fredag, mars 21, 2008

My embarrasing spiritual search

We human beings are trapped in duality, in ego, in suffering for as long as we live. It becomes more and more clear to me now. We might play the role of a liberated person (in spirituality it means someone who is no longer trapped in duality and therefore is free from suffering). …. Strange … It really sounds strange, it’s what I have believed in for years now, I can see when that trip started, it all started December 2002 with listening to a soundclip by Osho on the webpage http://www.osho.com/ Then one thing led to the other, retreats with Nukunu etc. But what has been the driving force in my seeking during these years, it sums up to more than five years now, my driving force has not been realizing my true nature, no, it’s been to escape from suffering.
Spirual seeker – Name = Björn – Driving force = CERTAINTY to avoid suffering. Why not use that model by Anthony Robbins – the six human needs – where the first need is certainty – certainty to gain pleasure and AVOID PAIN. I really haven’t come very far. I mean there are five more needs, five more driving forces, each one more noble than the preceding one. I could as well list them here. Together with some small commentaries from me –

1. Certainty – to avoid pain and gain pleasure

2. Variety – the fear of boredom.

3. Significance – being unique and special.

4. Love and connection – fear of being alone, the need to be needed, to merge with a partner, friend, group etc.

That’s the basic needs. The ones that only revolves around the ego, around me, my life, my needs, my story. Robbins calls them basic needs. Then comes two more needs which are less egocentric.

5. Growth and development – when you are done with the basic needs, life is not only about surviving anymore. You can start to expand, open up to new perpectives

6. Contribution – the fruits of human existence. You can finally let go of yourself and reach out to other people, not in order to get something from them, something that will meet the first five needs. No, now you are finally ready to be there for the other person. Now you are ready to make a positive change in this world. Not many people come in touch with this need in themselves, this powerful force within. We are too occupied with ourselves and our problems.

With this in mind, it’s quite pathetic to see that most of my spiritual trip has been about meeting my first and most basic need. Oh, that hurts to realize. And I blush when I recall how I have valued MY SEARCH and MY REALIZATION…. Embarrassing.

It’s all been about ending suffering. Sounds like I have a miserable life, wrong, I have a great life, relatively seen. My problem is mainly, I don’t actually know what it is, but lets say its about existential angst. – the burning question – why am I here, what’s the damned purpose, I am going to die anyway. Rebirth is also pointless. Why???
A big why. Its like a raving hunger for answers to the big, undefined WHY. And I cant get enough answers. I have collected so many answers over these five years that it’s ridiculous to go on collecting more answers. It’s a joke.

Hahahaha

My spiritual search has been a joke. And I wish that laughter … hahahaha… had been heartfelt. No, its embarrassing. That’s all.

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