lördag, april 12, 2008

I can't answer the question!

Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us. Even now in thisvery room. You can see it when you look out your window. Or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work. When you go to Church. When you pay your taxes.It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind youfrom the truth.

"Remember that all I am offering is the truth. Nothing more."You take the blue pill and the story ends.You wake in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe."

"You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes."

Waking up is not a choice as clear and definite as the Wachowski brothers wants us to imagine in the Matrix films. But something is happening on my path right now that makes me think of this famous scene. I can also hear a voice, but it's not the voice of Morpheus, it's one of my own voices and it is very persistent with this one question.

Do you want to step out of your dream?

I can hear a voice repeating this question in my head over and over again. And the voice is not tolerating anything but the naked truth. I can’t fool this voice by saying things like – “well, it’s like I have already kind of stepped out of the dream, it’s more about getting stabilized in this new dimension of reality”. The voice in my head wont listen to that kind of bullshit, - “hey, get real”, it will say, “don’t try to fool yourself! Do you want to step out of your dream or do you want to improve your dream a little, make it more comfortable, more joyous?”
When I hear that voice, and that happens many times a day, I get a feeling that it’s over. It’s game over.
My spiritual journey have reached a point where there is no more turning back. There is not even time to rest and pretend I am not on a journey. I guess this sound pretty dramatic and in a way it is. It’s not an external drama with big important decisions to make. No, its an internal drama that might or might not have implications in the external domain of my existence. That’s exactly the point, it’s not about trying to manipulate the phenomenal world in a way that will give me more pleasure and less pain. It’s about 100% letting go, it’s about the big surrender. If pain comes let I come, if pleasure comes, let it come. What does surrender mean? I remember my first retreat with Nukunu, the first time I met the spiritual teacher Nukunu. He met another student and asked him – “have you surrendered yet?”. I remember thinking it sounded like just the kind of jargon you might expect in a little spiritual community/sangha like this. But I find it strange that I still remember it so vividly. The way he said it, not with impatience, not to encourage anybody, just like a statement. And what was that statement about? I was about me. It was about all of us who call ourselves spiritual seekers or “finders”. Until you surrender, and the surrender he was talking about was a total surrender, its just a game. It doesn’t matter what kind of game you are immersed in, whether it’s a power game, a sexual game or a spiritual game, its all the same, it’s all about manipulating the dream in order to get more pleasure and less pain. But surrender is about stepping out of the dream. It’s not about starting to live a new and better life, it’s about life starting to live you. Being lived by life…. Its one of Nukunus favourite clichés and probably the favourite cliché of every satsang teacher. But none the less, it’s the name of the game. The new game outside the dream
Let life live you. Ooh, that’s scary. What if life wants you to suffer? Yes, what if?
What about control?
Yes, what about it?
Surrender.
Surrender control?
- no way, are you crazy?
- What is control?
- Well, it’s the whole point of being a human being, learning how to avoid pain and gain pleasure. Isn’t it?
Surrender.
Step out of your dream. It doesn’t matter how it plays itself out.
What!?
Step out! Surrender!
This is part of an internal dialogue going on inside me these days. Another part is about understanding and discipline.
If I just can make my conceptual understanding solid and stable enough I can relax and start to surrender. Without this conceptual understanding as a solid ground under me, I can never jump. Hmmm…. Strange. No logic to be found here. Why would I jump when I finally have found the solid ground? Why?
Because that’s what I think this spiritual path is about. Because an enlightened teacher like Nukunu tells me so. Is that why I should jump?
Or is it because I cant stand the suffering of being a human being, part of humanity. Because I cant stand being a witness to all the unnecessary pain we inflict on each other. Myself included. Why can’t I be good, kind, open, tolerant, generous, forgiving, inspiring, encouraging all the time like I should? Says who? Everybody. And why is it that everybody is doing exactly the opposite, more or less so, why is it the humans are unable to walk their talk?
Because, like the Buddha said, LIFE IS SUFFERING.
No, no, life is also about fun, about pleasure and playfulness. It’s beautiful. It’s full of beauty. Oh yes, I know that. And none of the bright sides of life are lasting! None of them. Everything good is going to end. Everything. We all know that and many people would say that life is about helping each other forget.
Of course. Helping each other forget about death. That is the collective vision.
HELP ME FORGET I AM GOING TO DIE!
HELP ME FORGET THAT NOTHING GOOD IS LASTING!
What’s wrong with creating a life guided by this vision?
It’s toxic. It’s about repression and fear. Period.
But that’s the way everybody lives. Or almost everybody.
Oh yes, and almost everybody lives in hell.
No no, come on, it’s not that bad. You have to focus on the good things. It’s a matter of focus. Isn’t it?
Absolutely. That’s how we manage to stay inside this dream, this lie. We pretend impermanence and death doesn’t exist. That’s the first rule. You are not going to die. Say after me. I am not going to die. I am not going to die.
Then it happens that the weakest of humans, the loosers, the ones who cant by into the dream, become religious in some way, they enter a spiritual path.
And here I am, buying into the spiritual dream. You are not going to die. Well of course this body, this brain is going to die, but YOU, the true essence of you exists outside time and space. YOU are going to live forever.
What is that?
It’s a trap.
It’s a new dream. A spiritual dream.

Well, I have been going on and on about how terribly black and hopeless life is but that’s not the point. Life is a dream. And it becomes what you want it to become. That’s not the point. The point is that this voice inside my head keeps asking the question
Do you want to step out of your dream?
The voice inside my head doesn’t care if the dream consists of spiritual bullshit or just ordinary mundane bullshit. The voice inside my head cares about one thing only. The stark, naked truth.
And I am unable to come up with an answer.

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