söndag, april 13, 2008

I don't want to release the Tiller

I am not my ego (I skip the definition of ego for now) and that is nothing but a direct experience. It’s not a belief, not a dogma. I know it!
So far, so good.
This part is the easy part. I am aware of my ego, how it suddenly gets hurt or inflated or any of all its reactions. So, the ego is an object in my awareness. I have known this since November 2004 when I had my first Satori-exerience in a Nukunu-retreat.
But the strange thing is that I move away from this insight all the time. It’s like I cant embody it. I can’t live this insight. Or maybe I dare not.
So what’s the implications of knowing beyond any doubt that I am not my ego.
It means I am free from my ego which sounds great I think. But is it so great after all?
The ego is a conditioned mechanism and acting from the ego’s viewpoint means to be absolutely predictable. If you only get to know how this ego-mechanism is programmed, what drives it, you can predict every behaviour…. Almost.
And seeing this, you start to ask the one, fundamental question at this point –
What is behind the ego?
Behind or beyond or inside or above or beneath?
WHAT?
I have found one characteristic – it’s not something you can control.
And I think that is the explanation why I move away from this realization again and again. I mean, don’t we all know this, that we are not our egos? It’s the most easy thing to realize since you can observe it directly and with the help of the simplest form of logic you can conclude that you must be something other than your ego. We all know this, and the number of people who opens themselves to this insight increase every week thanks to Eckhart Tolle and Oprah Winfrey and their TV-program about the book, the New Earth.
But seeing this is frightening. At first it’s maybe liberating since you get a sensation of expansion, of not being trapped any more, of being free to do what you want.
But this insight is not about you or me. Sorry.
I might be wrong but after 4 years of struggling with this insight, not coming anyware I finally start to intuit what it is about. And one thing I know. It’s not about me, or you.
What do I mean?
You see, one of our most cherished beliefs about our selves is that we are in control of our lives. The very structure of the ego is about just that, finding ways to avoid pain and gain pleasure. Like a radar. And that’s fine. Nothing wrong with that. The center of the ego sits there holding tight onto the tiller trying to steer the ship towards islands of pleasure, avoiding the dangerous reefs of pain. That’s the whole ego game.
But transcending ego means releasing the Tiller. There is no way to transcend the ego and keep trying to steer the ship.
It’s about trust.
Thy will be done, not my will.
And that’s scary. That is why I go in circles around this whole spirituality thing. I want to release the Tiller and at the same time I am terrified. They say releasing the Tiller can never be a choice you make. You have no choice. Hmm...

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