söndag, oktober 05, 2008

Don't believe in yourself ... or in anybody else ....

Right now I long for simplicity and I know I will never attain it. My life will never become simple. Life as I know it is form and form is evolving. That’s the nature of form – to multiply – to create – new forms – more forms. I wrote “life as I know it” as if I believed in a future life – maybe a more simple and clear life. But I don’t believe in a future life. I know this life is all I have …. And it won’t get better, there is no hope.


 This longing and hoping for something more simple, more clear, more true, more whole … this longing, this hope, is the carrot Maya holds dangling in front of my nose to make me stay in the dream-state

I have come to see what surrender is really about. Adyashanti, this wonderful teacher made me see it, but it's not until this very moment that I am ready to take it in. Surrender is nothing but a bargain. 

Ok God, I surrender everything and I really expect a huge fucking price when I come to heaven.
The thing with surrender is that it’s worth nothing if you don’t include hope. People can surrender anything, sex, money, fame, friends, family, health, even their lives …….. but there is one thing they will never surrender and that is …………….h…..o…..p……..e

Hoping for a big reward in heaven, Jesus dropping by to tell you what a great soul you are. Or Buddha or Santa Claus. 

Surrender without surrendering the future and all hope is pointless. It’s nothing but a bargain. So whenever people talk about surrender I wonder what their deal with God is. 

I tell you, you can keep all your egoistic shit, everything they want you to surrender, don’t listen to them, keep everything, there is only one thing you have to surrender and that is HOPE.

….. sounds depressing …. :-)

Oh yeh, it is! 

Jed McKenna calls it rational depression… something that is necessary if you want to wake up. Not as something to go through in order to come out the other side as a happy and liberated person. Oh no, there is no way out of rational depression. No way out. 

So what’s the point in surrendering hope?
There is no point to that. Not for you. It’s the end of you….. 
Aha, says the clever ego … it’s the end of me and that means I am going to come out of this thing as different being, totally changed, probably shining with holiness …. Forget it!

Nobody, nothing is going to come out of this depression … you hear me?! NO BODY, NO THING. …. Meaning – no separateness. Nothing is going to arise from the ashes, no Fenix, no saint, no sage or Guru or anything … just…. Everything.

We all know this place of NO SEPARATENESS. We’ve all been there many times. But most of us haven’t stayed for long. Ego is there immediately to “rescue” us from this terrible place of hopelessness, despair and meaninglessness. LIFE HAS TO HAVE MEANING said Victor Frankl. That man must have been very afraid of leaving the dreamstate. What we have to see is that meaning and separateness depend on each other. Take away meaning from a human being and he will wake up out of the dream-state! What makes people commit suicide is not a real experience of what lack of meaning means, it’s the fear of what it might mean. 

I am sitting here and giggling to myself because this whole thing about spiritual awakening is actually so simple. It’s almost ridiculous. All you need to do to wake up is to face three facts.

1. I will never wake up from the dream-state
2. There is no hope for me
3. My life has no meaning

By now I am sure you see why, I just have to repeat it to myself so that I won’t forget it. The hard part is not to face these facts; it’s to stay with them every day, every hour, every minute. 
The initial response to this thing is – if it’s so, why should I leave my bed tomorrow. The answer is – try and see for yourself what will happen. And don’t confuse this awake state with clinical depression. On one hand these states are closely related, on the other hand they are worlds apart. 
To be sure you pick the awake state and not the clinical depression you might want to repeat the theory behind spiritual awakening. I know clinical depression is serious business but so is awakening out of the dream-state.

When you wake up you cease to be a person, a somebody. You become NO ONE – emptiness. This is very simple to understand. We create this separateness moment by moment. We put an enormous amount of mental and emotional energy into this illusionary separateness to make it seem real. What happens with the illusion of separateness when you wake up? Any concept of separateness loses all substance, all reality. It doesn’t go away. And that is very important to see. It’s still there but you see it’s a trick of the mind. You can’t believe in it anymore. You can’t believe in yourself anymore. If someone tells you you have to believe in yourself, or that they believe in you, you just smile the way you smile when small children tell you about Santa Claus. It’s all a game. The Tooth Fairy game, the Santa Claus game or the I-ME-MY game, they are all the same. There is nothing wrong with playing games. Not as long as you know you are playing a game. And you have to play the I-ME-MY game if you want to live outside psychiatric institutions. 

When you become NO ONE you see that you are everything and therefore no separate thing. And when you are everything, what’s the point in hoping for something??? You are already everything you could hope for. Yeah, I know it sounds like a terrible cliché but it’s true. Sorry. Sometimes clichés are true. And isn’t it obvious that “I” as a separate entity depend on the dream-state. When the dream-state is gone – “I” am gone. 

The second and third tenet – there is no hope for me ... and ... my life has no meaning – is not hard to understand when all reality and substance has gone out of the I-ME-MY-game. It’s easy to understand on a conceptual level but to really live it HURTS LIKE HELL. 
Well, it’s because all the emotional energy that has been invested in the separate-me-illusion in order to make it seem real, has to be drawn out of it. It's the drawing out that hurts – it’s a bit like drawing a tooth but on the emotional level. Hope and meaning is what the illusory me is occupying itself with out of fear. Fear of being exposed as an impostor. Fear of being exposed as a lie, as an illusion as a fantasy, as a fairytale….. in other words – fear of dying.The illusion screams - PLEASE HELP, make me real, give me hope, give me meaning. If there is hope and meaning in my life, then i can't be a lie, can I??? Oh, no, please help me, someone....

I am repeating these three tenets to myself as often as I remember. That’s the poison for me. I need poison. Poison to kill the reality of myself. What’s left when you have killed the reality of yourself? There is no way to answer that question – except for saying – come see for yourself.

18 kommentarer:

  1. Well…
    At least your English is splendid… ;-)

    Stop using your carnal mind.

    The carnal mind simply cannot envision spiritual dimensions outside its own box.
    You see, spirituality is not a game. If you do not believe in a further life after this one, you have to change that belief.
    Your carnal mind must have its sense if control. BUT this is not YOU. The carnal mind is a part of you, and you have to let this part die.
    The ego is controlling YOU! It isn’t REAL YOU in control here!

    Why do you fuck with spirituality?

    As long as you do not accept yourself as an immortal spiritual being you are spinning around in a hopeless Catch-22 ego-loop. You won’t get anywhere.

    The ego cannot by itself get rid of itself.
    But you are trying! Stop it!

    You are severely exaggerating a “surrendering” here. For the ego’s part this simply means death. And you think you are the ego. You are not.

    If I was you, I would seriously consider the possibility that some BASIC tenets of mine simply are – wrong!

    You see, if there is no after-life, if we live just once, then McKenna’s quote: “Why do you want to wake up? Are you fucking nuts? You have a wonderful dream, keep on dreaming!” makes sense perfectly. But only then!

    I haven’t read all McKenna’s stuff, but I think I would select another inspirer.

    You can never get a real proof of the fact that you are an immortal spirit, because your ego can, and would, always argument against it. EVERYTHING and ANYTHING can be subject to argumentation. Nevertheless, the ego has a strong tendency to demand proof to feel secure and intelligent. But if any proof should threaten the existence of the closed loop, or the box, the ego would refuse to accept it. But then you have a higher part of you who feels something is wrong here. Apparently you have such a part, because otherwise you wouldn’t fuck with spirituality...;-)

    And if you’ll fuck with spirituality, you have to see what’s TRUE.
    The ego can’t see truth!
    It can only see relative truth!

    What is true in relation to something. Objectified truth!
    Deeper truth – absolute truth – can only be experienced. You have to be willing to experience truth. If the very thought makes you enraged, you know your ego is in action...

    Maybe you must start here, changing some very hard-coded beliefs?

  2. Thank you Perra! I am looking forward to answer you (and myself):-) Need to keep the fire burning you know ... question every truth, push every limit (inwardly at least)have to run ...

  3. The only real question of interest here seems to be:

    "Where/within what do all these experiences arise, and to whom?"

    Who experiences the infinite infinities of endelss spiritual dimensions, hierarchies of angels and immortal spirits/vehicles transcending all mind and form, blurring forever into the terrifying clear white light of GOD? Billions of lifetimes, billions of worlds, civilizations, species & races. Transcendental Tradition unifying them all and raising spiritual order from carnal chaos, but to whom does all this appear? Who is the dreamer of infinity?

  4. Anonym:
    Interesting questions, indeed. What’s also very interesting is: How do I get answers to them? And what am I doing with those answers?
    Some questions maybe are way too vast - with our current state of mind – to comprehend? The only answers we are capable to get, are some product of a chain of argumentations that seems “reasonable”.

    If we challenge our egos, maybe we get to a point where we realize that our sense if control isn’t very well-grounded. In order to take another step, we demand very clear answers to these questions before we dare go. Because otherwise it would mean losing even more control!

    Well, maybe God is the dreamer of infinity? The longing, forgotten God within us. But God should not be discussed like a topic, because God is our very identity, and we do not discuss our identities, do we?

    But maybe our egos are running as our identities? Those "identities" should be discussed!

    As I see it, there’s a triangular drama going on inside us: Our Conscious Self, our ego, and God!
    The Conscious self has an ability to identify itself with anything it chooses. The ego wants us to feel we don’t need God...

  5. Someone once asked Richard Rose the question:

    "Does God exist?"

    His reply was:

    "Yes, but you don't."


  6. Björn: (fortsättning kommentar från nedan inlägg) Tanken försöker förklara och skapa medan känslan vägleder i vad vi behöver men samtidigt vill vårt Högre Jag endast bevittna båda. Eftersom "sanningen" är att vi är beroende av andra människor (och djur för de som äter kött) för vår överlevnad måste vi vara "one" med andra ibland. Friheten för mig ligger i hur mycket jag "kopplar upp mig" gentemot andra olika dagar - dvs vad jag väljer att göra med och hur med det beroende jag har av andra.
    Fridens lilja,

  7. "What’s also very interesting is: How do I get answers to them? And what am I doing with those answers?"

    What's even more interesting is actually seeing where both question and answer appears, and who is asking and answering.

    Combining Jed's spiritual autolysis and memento mori with Ramanas self-enquiry and truly earnest prayer will most likely work, if it's actually done and not just discussed endlessly... John Sherman among others did mention that one usually have to be "at the end of one's rope" before one actually gets serious about this, but it should be fairly obvious that this is already the case.

  8. Hi Perra!
    You wrote: "If you do not believe in a further life after this one, you have to change that belief."
    I am sick and tired of beliefs!! I don't want to change my own beliefs or yours or anybody elses. I don't say that beliefs are bad, I say they are like shadows, like ghosts. I wish I could just let in some sunlight to make them disappear. but unfortunately it's not that easy. It's more like tearing apart Frankensteins monster ... or something...

    You see, even this that i just wrote is a belief, so I want to negate myself as soon as I have said anything. It's war in here, in Björns mind. Not a holy war but a bloody mess. I am sucking the blood out of every empty belief structure I've ever clinged to. It's my blood that makes these dead beliefs seem real. But they're not. When I suck my own blood out of them they are seen for what they are. EMPTY. Interesting but empty, beautiful, uplifting. meaningful etc. .... but EMPTY.
    That's the process I am going through at the moment. Sucking my blood out of ghosts.... :-(
    The question is why I ever started believing in all these ghosts. Thats the mystery.

    You are talking about "after-life", spiritual dimensions, immortal spirits etc. Perra, there is nothing wrong with all these things... except they are all creations of your mind! How do I know that? For the simple reason that they appear in your mind and not in mine.
    Ok, I can confess to you that I do believe in a "astral" dimension. Oh yes, I do. But the "astral" doesn't interest me for three reasons.
    1. I know too many srewed up people who have full access to this dimension. If "normal" life is complicated enough, why make it even more complicated?
    2. I myself don't have access to this dimension. Maybe it would be cool to talk to ghosts but ... no thanks.
    3. The "astral" dimension is as full of separation and suffering as the physical dimension. It's still a dimension where there is higher and lower, good and bad, some kind of linear time seems to exist there, interpretations certainly do exist there. And the last part is interesting. The same astral phenomena are interpreted as Krishna by a Hindu, Christ by a christian etc. You seldom meet a christian who has met Krishna. and vice versa.

    Perra, all my interest is on the mystic dimension, the empiness, void, abyss, nirvana, tao etc. The dimension where no separation exist, where form is emptiness and emptiness is form. Not TWO, but not ONE. That is NonDuality - NOT ONENESS.

    To me the astral dimension is part of the form-dimension, the Samsara side of the street. My path is set on Nirvana and back into Samsara. NonDuality.

    There is a lot to the "end of the rope" thing. Before I dared to face the absolute lack of meaning and hope in my life, I used the Idea of being an immortal spirit as a way to boost my ego, trying to fix it, give it a new engine that ran on astral ghost-fuel. The idea of being an immortal spirit comforted me, distracted me. That was a trap.
    Perra, I know I write in a way that is easy to misinterpret, but I am trying to hammer in things that are important in my process right now. The idea of NO WAY OUT, NO HOPE are crucial right now - FOR ME. Of course I mean that there is NO WAY OUT and NO HOPE for THE EGO. And I am the Ego - And I am not the Ego. Both are true. It's NonDuality.

  9. anonym sa !
    Love that Richard Rose story. Some years ago I read a book written by one of his students. I remember feeling sick and depressed after that reading. Jed McKenna is a very nice guy when compared to Rose. Rose was mean... the cruel Zen master who uses the stick ALL THE TIME!
    Sometimes I feel as if I have found that cruel Zen master inside myself. The little bastard... he comes when we are at the end of our ropes.

  10. Telluselle!
    Ok, känslan vägleder i vad vi behöver. Det köper jag.
    Skönt att du inte gav det vanliga New-Age-svaret där hjärtat spelar superhjälte och intellektet skurk.
    Jag VET att det finns ovillkorlig kärlek. Och jag VET att den kommer in när separation går ut. Och när separation går ut finns ingen gräns mellan hjärta och intellekt.

  11. Björn: "Perra, there is nothing wrong with all these things... except they are all creations of your mind! How do I know that? For the simple reason that they appear in your mind and not in mine."

    But they do, Björn... All this appears in "your" mind, including the idea of Perra and his words of spiritual dimensions. De här orden, de svarta symbolerna på den vita bakgrunden, det här rummet med den lysande bildskärmen, den ansiktslösa kroppen som ses genom inifrån via förstapersonsperspektiv, ljuden, bilderna, alla stimulin och signaler, världen och dess invånare, var uppstår allt detta? Här. Inom dig. "We" are ghosts, spectres inhabitaing your own personal shadowy dreamscape, your island, eller åtminstone kan ingenting mer någonsin "bevisas" av sinnet än detta enda totalt ofattbara underbara faktum: "JAG ÄR".

  12. anonym sa!
    The concept of "I am" and the idea "that I am the boundless pure consciousness" where all things arise and fall away - are some of my buddhas. Some of the last things that seem real in an empty world. I got stuck with those concepts. They became my new God, my religion. I don't say there is anything wrong with the "I am concept" or even the "I am experience". They are great. But Jed made me see they are traps too. The most subtle traps you can imagine.
    "It's all about killing the Buddha now". War.
    I know I contradict myself. It's war and it's not war. Both are true. Both are false.

  13. Björn: About these subtle traps you mention here, tell me where I can read about it. Maybe I have to confront Mr McKenna...

  14. All concepts burn. All beliefs crumble. Real war is never pretty, and it's not supposed to be.

  15. Perra!
    You wrote: "About these subtle traps you mention here, tell me where I can read about it. Maybe I have to confront Mr McKenna..."
    I think Adyashanti is the one who can talk about subtle traps better than anyone. But he is a very nice guy, maybe too nice. You hear what he says but than you forget it because you feel so warm and cozy inside. It least I do.
    Go to www.adyashanti.org and listen and watch, there is plenty of free stuff there.
    I said that Jed helped me but I think it's a combination of Adya and Jed. Actually there are people who believe that the person hiding behind the pseudonym Jed McKenna is Adyashanti.

  16. anonym sa!
    I agree, a war is not a pretty thing. The war against the illusion of reality. It puzzles me how certain teachers can talk about a "sudden BHAM" where you once and for all see that nothing is real. The illusion of reality comes back again and again. Maybe that's where the importance of a Sangha comes in. A Sangha you these days can find on the internet.

  17. "Actually there are people who believe that the person hiding behind the pseudonym Jed McKenna is Adyashanti."

    Yes, so I've seen. Wheteher or not this is so, such speculation completely misses the point. Rather, it's much more interesting to investigate what's hiding behind the person Adyashanti, and what's hiding behind ALL persons, including this "I" we believe ourself to be. Perhaps that, too, is just another pseudonym? Jed knows where he is. Do you? ;-)

  18. anonym sa!

    Thank you for the reminder! I'm absolutely convinced that Björn is a pseudonym för "I" and I suspect that "I" for something else. What is hiding behind me? Damn good question with many Advaita-Zen-bullshit-answers that has boosted my spiritual ego during the last four years. I've come to the conclusion that I will never figure it out. And that seems to be the cloosest I've ever been.